I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
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