I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize