Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
