Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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