Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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