White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
