I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
