I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize