Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
time to smoke my breakfast
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
