do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
