Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
