i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
