I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
