Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
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