first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
