mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
