I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
She swung at the pinata with crutches
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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