What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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