I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I don't deserve a penis
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Randomize
