i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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