I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
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