I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Randomize