my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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