Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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