my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
