Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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