my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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