THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
