I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
