my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Found the puke drawer
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
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