I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
