Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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