I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
