Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
