Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Success! We fucked roommates!
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