i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
