My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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