I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
