phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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