i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Randomize
