I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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