they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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