Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
