you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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