I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
