So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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