I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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