I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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