Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
