I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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