my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
