im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Randomize
