haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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