Will you blow on my dice?
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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