Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
