my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
