dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
This is classic penis vs brain.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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