remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Randomize
