He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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