I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
