His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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