Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Dicks are not precious.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
