Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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