Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize