Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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