I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
