its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
